I subscribe to the email Dilbert Newsletter by Scott Adams. The bulk of the material is sent in by readers, and the among the best are reports of mis-used or mixed metaphors. This time, instead of just listing them, he made an excellent story using them. It goes something like this:
We were sitting on our hands, twiddling our thumbs, when suddenly the door opened. It made the hair on my back stand on end. He was smoking like a fish and swearing like a stuck pig. I could tell from his shifty eyes that he might try to pull the fox over my leg.
“Do you have a pen?” he asked. “I need to make a mental note.”
I didn’t want him to stick my pen into his ear, but I also didn’t think it would be a good idea to rattle the barrel because the monkeys might shoot the fish. So I offered my pen.
“Do you seriously think I came up the river on a banana tree?” he growled before slapping the pen from my hand.
I wanted to fight him, but I already had too many hands in the fire. Still, you have to kill the stone with the bird while you can. He was slow as Moses. I kicked him where the moon don’t shine. I didn’t want to beat a dead bush, so I waited for his next move. The ball was in his camp now. He didn’t look like he had both oars in his basket, but maybe I was trying too hard to read between the tea leaves.
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