Sleeping in a hammock cell

After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack

The Onion:

“Five a.m. is when the facility is most vulnerable to attack, when the morning shift security personnel replace the overnight crew,” said Adib Dhakwan, the cell’s second-in-command. “Unfortunately, Starbucks doesn’t open until six, and I don’t know about you, but if I don’t have that first cup of coffee, forget it.”

Despite the terrorists’ successful assimilation into American society, the FBI has been monitoring the activities of the “San Clemente Six” since late 2005. According to declassified intelligence documents, the cell’s status was recently downgraded to “low risk,” due in part to a near absence of cell phone chatter to parties other than Moviefone, and last month’s online purchase of a hammock.

Though most suicide squads will be immune, eventual victory will be along the lines depicted in this satire.


  1. I read once about a spy that the USSR had in Japan in the 1930s. The Soviets gave him the money to start a radio repair shop as a cover. The radio repair business was so successful, he quit the spy job.